I woke up and spent a few moments savoring how deliciously cool I felt. For months, my body temperature soared and perspiration soaked my skin and clothes. My embarrassment only exacerbated the situation and the ensuing anxiety and stress made me even more sensitive to the heat.
I opened my eyes and suddenly remembered what had happened. I was in a critical bed IN A HOSPITAL. I felt the sick fingers of panic snake through my body, grasp and clench hard my roiling stomach. This was my worst nightmare. My unreasonable fear of anything medical, anything having to do with doctors or hospitals, was taking a hold of me in uncontrollable waves.
I have no idea what the genesis was for this neurotic fear. I remember as a child sobbing when I had to visit the doctor or get shots. When I was a teenager, my father was in the hospital for gall bladder surgery. I was able to muster enough courage to go to the hospital the last night he was there. I actually started having panic attacks as I walked into the hospital. Emotionally, it was like being sucked into a whirlpool with no life jacket.
In many ways, having to deal with medical personnel and the medical environment was as traumatic to me back then as being diagnosed with a serious illness. The week I was in the critical bed I think I aged 10 years. It was unreal for me. But sans life jacket, I learned how to swim, and now, I am completely comfortable with doctors, hospitals and any procedure. You could even say I’m fascinated. It’s a relief to be over that debilitating fear.
They ran a battery of tests that week—CAT Scans, blood work, stress tests, echocardiogram, X-rays, I can’t remember all of it. My thyroid was so jacked up I didn’t sleep for almost two weeks and they had me taking Valium and Restoril to try to get some rest. The lack of sleep made me emotional and sensitive and I found it hard to follow conversations and instructions. My parents were rushing in from out of town and I was completely overwhelmed. I was told I almost died. I was too fractured, both physically and mentally, to take it all in.
The doctors wanted to do either surgery to remove my thyroid or radioactive iodine. However, because my thyroid was so hyperactive, they were afraid I was not strong enough for either procedure. So they were going to try medication first.
I finally left the hospital with my parents, a sheaf of prescriptions, and embarked upon what would be a lengthy disability from my job.
I had changed overnight from a svelte, fit, vivacious young woman into a morbidly obese, trembling, perspiring, balding, seriously ill person who scarcely recognized herself in the mirror. I was devastated. The steroids I was taking distorted my features, making my face puffy and hard, almost cartoonish. A goiter, the size of a small orange, grew out of my neck. I felt like a freak. Nothing in my life had prepared me for this. It was strictly one day and a handful of pills at a time.
For a long time, friends reached out to me and tried to be supportive. But I was bereft. I didn’t know what to say and fell uncommunicative. There was a disconnect when I tried to explain the seriousness of my illness to them; they couldn’t comprehend that I could actually be that sick and I tired of trying to explain that it wasn’t simply a cold. No one understood what an autoimmune disease was. They missed the fun, outgoing Amalie; the ill, taciturn, depressed Amalie was hard to take, and the phone started to ring less and less over the ensuing months.
Those early, awful days, months, and years were rough. My circle distilled down to an elixir of friends and family who supported me through the darkest and most terrible of days.
And I held onto them for dear life, even as I struggled to sustain my own.
The lengthy, devastating illness took a toll on my body over the long months. My nails became brittle and broke down to the quick. My hair became thin and scraggly, large hanks of it falling out when I showered. I remember the first time it happened, falling on my hands and knees in the shower as handfuls of hair came out while I washed it. My lovely, thick, long hair was thin and dull and I adopted an old man’s balding comb-over to hide my bare patches. The Graves’ Disease also had affected my eyes, inflaming the eye sockets, causing them to protrude and bulge, giving me double-vision. This, combined with the steroids I was taking and the significant weight gain, drastically altered my appearance. Family and friends were shocked when they saw me and found it hard to hide their reactions. I retreated even further into the sanctity of my apartment, refusing to see people, even to talk on the phone.
My parents begged me to move home so they could care for me but I resisted. My next door neighbor was in the medical profession and she shepherded me to specialists’ appointments and tests. Other than those outings, I rarely left my home. I wanted to be alone. A large part of me also fought against what I perceived as a weakness. I saw it as a solitary battle and my home became my bunker. I’ve always been challenged by the idea of reaching out for help, for support, and the struggle to regain my health and well-being was my primary focus. I tried hard not to panic as everything I knew and recognized about myself changed seemingly overnight. I turned inward to shore up my defenses.
My endocrinologist suggested that I see a psychiatrist who specialized in working with people who had chronic and terminal illnesses. I just nodded my head, “yes.” I was fighting for my life and I needed reinforcements.
One look at Alexanndra’s kind face and I knew it was going to be ok. My stoic demeanor crumbled and I just cried. I had nothing to say, my tears said it all. I believe she helped me save my sanity and remember the strong woman I was inside.
Together, we slowly and determinedly picked up the pieces of my damaged psyche and assessed my poor, sick body. It would be a long journey. But hope is a powerful motivator and I cradled it, close.